Heal Your Broken Heart using New Research on Self-Compassion
When we see someone else, our child or a friend, suffering from a broken heart, we know exactly what to do for them. We know that compassion, patience and understanding is what our loved one needs from us during the dark days following a relationship breakup. As she is in the throes of despair and grief, we are seeing the situation from the outside and know that that simple understanding and kindness is the best medicine medicine we can offer.
Why, then, are we so unkind to ourselves? Why do we not offer ourselves the same kindness and compassion that we give to others? Research says that we should. Not only does conventional wisdom tell us so; science does, too.
The Science of Self-Compassion
Pioneered by educational psychologists Kristin Neff and Tasha Beretvas at the University of Texas at Austin, studies in the science of self-compassion show that being kind to yourself is effective in easing the painful period following a break-up and can actually even improve your future relationships.
Easier said than done? Not really. Because self-compassion is science that is based on research, there are actually precise steps you can take immediately to put yourself on the path to healing.
Five Steps to Self-Compassion
1. Focus on Yourself
This is the time that you have permission to be a little selfish. Take time for yourself. Engage in activities like reading or watching movies. Treat yourself to a pedicure. Join a gym. Actual revenge is unhealthy, but being happy, healthy and beautiful is a “revenge” that is good for you.
2. Focus on Others
One of the best-kept secrets is the therapeutic effect of giving. Volunteer somewhere. Whatever your cause of choice, you’ll find that serving others takes you outside of yourself and your own pain and makes you feel that you’re a part of something larger than your current circumstances.
3. Change Your Self-Talk
We are so well-acquainted with our critical voices that we often do not even notice them. Say hello to that critical voice. Confront it. Stand up for yourself as you would for others. Remember, though, that your critical voice is still you, so don’t heap more stress upon yourself by being mean to your inner critic. Say, “I know you’re trying to help, but I need compassion right now. Lay off a bit?”
4. Write
Spending a week or longer journaling your path to self-compassion gives you an outlet for expressing your emotions. There are a number of ways you can write. You can keep a notebook that no one will ever see, or you can write a blog. It could be that your own experience will help others. See number two.
5. Change Your Environment
Think “Thelma and Louise” (minus the driving off of a cliff part). Removing yourself from your environment focuses your attention and senses on new things. Enjoy the experience with a friend. Create new memories, and you may even, like Thelma and Louise, discover a different side of yourself.
Phillip Herman writes about the science of healing — learn more about healing at www.healmybrokenheart.com