Self-Compassion, a Better Motivator than Self-Criticism

At first glance, self-compassion seems awfully self-indulgent. If I fail at something, and I tell myself things like, “It’s okay” or, “You tried your best” or, “There will be more opportunities and chances down the road,” aren’t I merely making excuses for myself? Or worse, won’t I become (gasp) lazy?!

In a nation founded on the incredibly dogged and persistent work ethic, laziness is seriously frowned upon. Accepting our mistakes and treating ourselves with the same care and grace we show to a friend may seem quite frightening because if we do, won’t we eventually start making excuses and not giving things our all?

The answer is no. Research on self-compassion reveals that offering care and nurturing to ourselves when we make mistakes, embarrass ourselves, or come short of a goal we were hoping to achieve actually gives us motivation to try again. Psychologist Kristin Neff, an expert in self-compassion, says, “People who are more self-compassionate lead healthier and more productive lives than those who are self-critical.”

In her research, Neff found that people believe that being self-critical keeps them “in line.” If you believe that once you stop beating yourself up for your mistakes, you’ll start letting yourself go, it may be time to do some re-thinking.

The hard evidence: people who practice self-compassion are less likely to procrastinate. Compared to those who use guilt, shame, or fear as motivators to complete a task, those who are self-compassionate spend less time dragging their feet when they need to get something done. Also, self-compassionate individuals can re-engage after failure. When people accept and care for themselves, they are more likely to pick themselves back up after a real (or perceived) failure. They also take on more responsibility.

Some people fear that accepting their human, prone-to-make-mistakes nature will cause them to fail in taking ownership of their problems. Not so, as self-compassion actually helps people make a more realistic assessment of the role they played in life events. And finally, those who show kindness towards themselves are more receptive to feedback. It makes sense: when someone practices self-compassion, they believe they have inherent value, so they won’t fall apart or doubt themselves when they encounter criticism.

The benefits of self-compassion sound great, but how can you implement this concept in your daily life? There are actually a number of ways to teach yourself self-compassion.

Increase your self-compassion:

• Write yourself a letter support.
• Create a list of your best traits.
• Allow yourself to be human.
• Write down and repeat positive, life-affirming mantras.
• Practice meditation.
• Make a list of steps you can take to feel better in advance of needing this list.
• Adopt the lens of a friend or careful individual when you’re tempted to be self-judgmental.

Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that developing self-compassion takes practice. So if at first you don’t succeed, remember, be compassionate with yourself.

Olivia Roat is a reporter at GoStrengths! a site dedicated to combating teen depression.