The Value of Forgiveness Depends on the Offender

Is forgiving others for bad behavior good for your mental health?  Most of the time, the answer is yes, but a new study shows that under certain circumstances, forgiving someone who has hurt you can damage your own self-respect and self-concept.

Specifically, the researchers found that when someone has hurt you but has then behaved in a way that indicates that you will be safe in a continuing relationship with that person, then it is to your own benefit to forgive them.

When that has not occurred, forgiving just on the principle that forgiveness itself is good makes people feel what the researchers call “the doormat effect”– that they are powerless and that they will continue to be hurt.  In these situations, forgiveness damages both self-respect and self-image.

In fact, forgiving someone who has hurt or offended you when the offender has made a strong effort to make up for their offense actually improves one’s self-respect. “Making amends,” according to this study, can be done by actually trying to fix the problem or simply by acting in a very agreeable manner.

If a wife forgets her husband’s birthday, she can make amends by having a party late, or by expressing her regret sincerely and doing something else nice for her husband.  In either of these cases, it will be to the husband’s own psychological benefit to forgive her.  If no amends are made, the husband will damage his own self-concept by forgiving.

There’s also a lesson here for those times when you offend someone close to you.  Make a strong effort to make up for what you’ve done and be patient.  Hasty forgiveness is bad for the person you’ve hurt, so giving them time to recognize that you respect them and still care is part of what you need to do to be forgiven.

The study focused mostly on ongoing, close relationships like marriage, friends and family.  The results might not apply to interactions with acquaintances or strangers.

The research was conducted by an international team of researchers led by Laura Luchies of Northwestern University and including researchers from the University of Tennessee and the University of London.  The study was reported in the most recent issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.